Day 8 of Deepak Chopra's meditation - My Life is My Own

Day 8

Today's Centering Thought: 

With awareness, I create healthy habits. 

Our Sanskrit mantra:

Om Kriyam Namah ~ My actions are aligned with cosmic law

I don't have a lot of thoughts related to today's meditation except to say that I truly believe that understanding what my gifts are and seeing how I can use them to best serve a situation, my community, the people in my life and the world, aligns me with my purpose and keeps me on my path. 

I really enjoyed today's meditation, but I'm more caught up in the topic from Day 6 and my new understanding of my knees and body as all my own.  I've been having a lot of similar thoughts related to how my life and my experience here, while shared with other people, is really all my own. 

Tonight I took myself out to dinner.  I'm actually sipping red wine at Amis restaurant and dining on glutinous but delicious house made Swiss chard lasagna as I write this post.  

I sit in silence tasting the subtleties of the delicious dish without needing to make conversation or think about anything but what I want to experience - the tastes, the music, my body, the atmosphere…I'm realizing how important this is to me and how difficult it is for me to remember to take these moments when I am sharing an experience with other people.  

When I am by myself I feel like I am best able to drink in whatever I am experiencing as my own experience.  I am by no means saying I don't enjoy my time with friends, because I get so much out of sharing experiences with loved ones and actually, now that I think about it, I do take time to have my own experience in the moments I share with other people.  But I do find that when I am alone and completely free from thinking about taking care of the people around me, I am better able to concern myself with me and what I want out of the experience.  I know this sounds a little selfish and people are not asking to be taken care of, but I cannot seem to help it at this point.  Maybe someday I will be stronger and able to stay centered always, but I think I am just starting to understand how important it is to have my own experience in a moment, and I want to really cultivate those moments, even when I am sharing them with another person or people.  

 I think this is one reason I am completely okay with and almost desire a life without a committed relationship.  Since Nick and I ended our engagement, I have found a contentment I have never known.  I loved our relationship, so it is not the ending that makes me appreciate my newfound life. It is the contentment that comes along with being able to make decisions about what I want to experience without having to consider anyone else, (except for my son, of course) making it possible for me to see and understand what I really want out of an experience. This really helps me to understand me.

I have never formed this relationship with myself.  I have always been in a relationship and all too willing to take care of everyone else before me.  Truth be told, I feel fine and happy and don't mind where the night takes us as long as everyone is enjoying.  While that is great and makes things super easy in relationships of all sorts, it  limits me from really understanding what I really want out of an experience.  

The only person I really see myself in relation to right now is my son.  As a mother it is really difficult to separate from that role and see myself as just Joy, not Luke's mom, but as Luke get's older, it get's easier.  And I think I am a better mom when I do not move from a place of being myself in relation to him.  He seems to respond better when I own it - being just me and guiding him instead of being his mother and mothering him.  

On a separate note, I think relationships are  an incredibly powerful way for us to learn about ourselves.  The situation I am relating here is my own and I am not saying my way of exploring is the correct way for anyone but me at this moment.  

I really want to write more about this but the wine from my delicious dinner is making me tired, so this is where I will stop.   

I'll edit this tomorrow…sorry if it is terribly written and a little confusing… ah, red wine.