Apparently I Have a Certain Tone...
that can be off-putting. It's taken a long time and some difficult interactions to realize this and it pains me to think about the people I have 'put-off' in the process. If there are any friends reading that have experienced this...I am truly sorry and really I had no idea.
I am told that this stern tone comes out when I am convicted about my position in a conversation. I apparently get tense and a little too serious for the conversation being had. People sometimes think I'm angry in the conversational argument, when in reality I just attached to the piece I'm arguing. It's the tone that comes out when I 'argue' my point. Not always, but once in awhile when it comes out, someone walks away from our conversation upset with me. I was always so shocked because I didn't know what it was I said to be so offensive... and I am beginning to words and tone play two very different parts in a conversational disagreement.
Nick has been able to observe this from a 3rd perspective thankfully he helped me identify the "tone" aspect of the whole issue.
We've discussed that it may stem from the time I spent in court fighting for custody of my son. I spent two years urgently arguing my case in front of the people who would decide all of our fates. It was terrible, and thankfully, over. (And to give a quick word of advice... Even if you've been the only parent in your child's life for many years you do not have custody of them unless the government rules that you do. File for custody even if you think you don't need to. I wish I had known to take that important safety measure.)
Nick has also suggested that another aspect of my tone may come from being a single parent for so long. I do spend more time interacting with my son than I do other adults. I have a few different friend circles and thinking about it now, I think there is a different 'tone' in the conversations of the parent circle...especially with the women. Maybe it's because many parents must discipline their children whenever they decide to test their limits - something kids explore every chance they get.
Regardless of what caused my strange stern-tone issue, now that I understand it, I'd really like to change it.
Nick's suggestion was to notice my body in any moments of conversational disagreement. I can't imagine why I didn't think of this incredibly useful advice myself. It's easy to forget the body when we are working with the mind. Thank you, Nick, for bringing me back to into my body and helping me cultivate a kinder, gentler way of communicating.
I am told that this stern tone comes out when I am convicted about my position in a conversation. I apparently get tense and a little too serious for the conversation being had. People sometimes think I'm angry in the conversational argument, when in reality I just attached to the piece I'm arguing. It's the tone that comes out when I 'argue' my point. Not always, but once in awhile when it comes out, someone walks away from our conversation upset with me. I was always so shocked because I didn't know what it was I said to be so offensive... and I am beginning to words and tone play two very different parts in a conversational disagreement.
Nick has been able to observe this from a 3rd perspective thankfully he helped me identify the "tone" aspect of the whole issue.
We've discussed that it may stem from the time I spent in court fighting for custody of my son. I spent two years urgently arguing my case in front of the people who would decide all of our fates. It was terrible, and thankfully, over. (And to give a quick word of advice... Even if you've been the only parent in your child's life for many years you do not have custody of them unless the government rules that you do. File for custody even if you think you don't need to. I wish I had known to take that important safety measure.)
Nick has also suggested that another aspect of my tone may come from being a single parent for so long. I do spend more time interacting with my son than I do other adults. I have a few different friend circles and thinking about it now, I think there is a different 'tone' in the conversations of the parent circle...especially with the women. Maybe it's because many parents must discipline their children whenever they decide to test their limits - something kids explore every chance they get.
Regardless of what caused my strange stern-tone issue, now that I understand it, I'd really like to change it.
Nick's suggestion was to notice my body in any moments of conversational disagreement. I can't imagine why I didn't think of this incredibly useful advice myself. It's easy to forget the body when we are working with the mind. Thank you, Nick, for bringing me back to into my body and helping me cultivate a kinder, gentler way of communicating.
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