1/8/11 Saturday. Morning Meltdown & Wedding Postponement

Wake: 8:45.  Great sleep but tired and achy.  Still feeling put off from the night before.

Had a discussion going last night before bed about some of life’s pressures.  Slept on them before returning to the discussion this morning.  So instead of breakfast at 9:15 I had a morning meltdown.  It’s been awhile since I’ve had one of these.  Today’s was of epic proportion.  It takes a lot to tip the scale from “I’m keeping all the aspects of this crazy life in balance” to, “Holy Shit I’m really scared, there’s too much pressure and how am I going to make it all work.”  Today when the scale tipped from the former to the latter a vortex opened inside me and out came a torrent of sobs so righteous I thought I would never be able reel everything back in.  When I finally quieted down it would start back up again.  I was so mad that I couldn’t just will myself to stop.  I was done with the pity party but the tears just kept coming.  I guess you might want to know what set me off.  The pain, the pressure at work, a complete lack of job satisfaction, feeling under appreciated, the credit card bills, the wedding we haven’t begun to plan, my desire to teach yoga but feeling like it’s been put on long term hold, my mom moving to another state, the lack of perfect harmony in our house of now 3, PMS. 

It would take too long to explain each and every one of these pressures and it would not even be worth reading, so I’ll skip that part.  I can say that I am feeling much better now.  One of the ways Nick and I decided to cut down on the pressure was to delay the wedding until Summer of 2012.  1 more year.  This makes me sad, and Nick as well, but we both want to enjoy the process of planning our wedding and right now that’s just not possible.  So 2012 it is.  If the world ends up ending we’ll die as newlyweds.  How tragically romantic.  

After the morning meltdown I took a long, hot shower.  Did Abhyanga and came down to Nick and Luke cooking rice flour crepes and bacon.  It was awesome to see them cooking in the kitchen. 

After breakfast we all lounged on the couch and watched the Sound of Music.  I had forgotten how long and musical that movie is, but it was exactly what I needed today…so gushy and sing-songy I couldn’t help but be lifted out of my mood.  

Around 4pm I was feeling a lot of pain (more than usual) and was getting hungry so we stopped the movie so I could cook an early dinner.  We were hoping to have friends over for dinner but I ended up canceling because the pain was getting progressively worse throughout the day.  So I cooked for myself Moong Dal with bok choy, fennel and celery with a side of sweetened carrots with raisins.  It was good.  Recipe below. 

We finished the Sound of Music and decided to immediately begin another movie so we put on King Kong, which Luke got for Christmas.  (Thank you Uncle E and Aunt B!)  It was the perfect movie to watch.  We skipped to the part where they all board the boat because the beginning seemed unnecessary.   It was during this movie I decided to wreak havoc on my body.

I tried to be good.  I put the yoga mat out and stretched for about 45 minutes of the movie, but the desire to cram food into my mouth was inescapable.  It was terrible.  I grubbed on anything I could get my hands on.  Maybe I should give myself a half a pat on the back for not eating the pizza Nick and Luke ordered, but I should be getting a major finger wagging for the gluttony that followed.  Movie night and PMS will always sock a deadly blow to my healthy eating habits.  I have come to understand this about myself, and still I allow the mistake.  First I ate a few medjool dates because I was craving sweets. Then I made a large cup of hot chocolate with whole milk and topped with whipped cream.  While I drank this Nick asked me if I wanted a caramel and of course I said yes.  Then I wanted more to munch so I grabbed the Schar brand gluten free crisps and munched on those for a minute.  Then I decided I wanted cheese with the crackers so I ate 2 more crackers (about the size of graham crackers) covered with triple onion cream cheese.  I still wasn’t satisfied so I decided to make some hot tea with raw honey, (the Twinings brand Herbal Revive flavor with cherries and cinnamon…soooooo good)  had a few whole foods semi-sweet chocolate chips because all I really wanted when I started snacking was chocolate, and then decided to end with 2 more dates.  This was over the course of 3 hours.  Oh, and THEN, I justified that because I had such a rough day, and I still haven’t cheated and had a drink in so long time, I was totally going to sneak in a large handful the gluten full Back to Nature brand wheat things I have been craving all week.  Terrible.  I actually went back to the cupboard to get another handful right now.  For shame.  At least I skipped breakfast this morning, right? :-/

Don’t lose faith in me.  (Talking to myself, more so, than anyone else.)  You can do it.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  I sure hope it is, anyway.  I have to make up all the chores I was supposed to be doing while I spent 6 hours watching television. 

9:00pm Body--pretty good. Stomach--bloated.  Mind--felt a little fragile earlier, but now pretty settled.  Mood is...good. I am thankful. 

Food/Recipes: 

Lunch 11:45: Gluten free crepes with lemon and sugar and 2 pcs sulfite free bacon.  Nick’s dad’s recipe.  Crack about 6 eggs into a blender.  Add an equal measurement of water to the eggs.  Add about 2 Tbs melted butter and about 1 TBS sugar.  Then add a very minimal amount of flour. (Nick’s dad’s recipe uses white flour and it tastes amazing.  We used Pamela’s brand gluten free pancake mix so I could eat them and they were a little heavy but good.)   Start with 3 TBS and go up from there as needed.  Mix very lightly for minimal time in blender.  Mixture should be kind of runny.  Pour a small amount into a very hot nonstick pan coated with butter.  Roll pan around to spread batter.  Flip, remove, butter pan and begin again.  We love these crepes drizzled with fresh lemon juice and sprinkled with sugar. 

Dinner 5:30.  Moong Dal with Bok Choy, fennel and celery.   Sweetened carrots with raisins.  

Dal with Bok Choy, Fennel and Celery

Bring 3 ¾ cups water, and 1 cup moong dal (very well rinsed) to a boil.   Add ½ tsp turmeric, and ½ tsp salt.  Skim foam if there is any then cover and simmer on low for 30 minutes or until tender.

While moong dal is cooking, dry roast  ½ tsp yellow mustard seeds, ½ tsp cumin seeds, ¼ tsp coriander seeds, 10-12 fenugreek seeds.  When mustard seeds pop remove from heat and grind with mortar and pestle.  Heat 1 TBS Ghee in pan then add spice mixture.  Infuse into oil for a minute.  Add ¾ tsp fresh grated ginger or ¼ tsp dried ginger.  Slice ½ bulb fennel, 1 stalk celery (slice thin),  add to spice mixture in pan.  Add 2 tsp water.  Cover and cook on very low for 5 minutes.  Slice and add to celery and fennel mixture, 1-2 bok choy or 3-4 baby bok choy depending how many vegetables you prefer.  If necessary, add 1-2 TBS of water depending on dryness.  (Veggies should not dry out.)  Cover and cook until bok choy are tender.  When close to finish, sprinkle ¼ to ½ tsp Mum’s Masala over bok choy.  Salt to taste.  Spoon over Dal and serve plain or with cilantro or scallions.  

Sweetened Carrots. 

Slice 4 cups carrots.  Heat 1 TBS Ghee in heavy pan and add ½ tsp mustard seeds.  When they pop add ½ tsp turmeric, pinch of hing/asafetida,1/2 tsp sea salt, 2 tsp coriander powder and carrots.   Sautee for 2 minutes and then add 3-4 TBS water, 2 tsp maple syrup and a 3-4 TBS raisins.  (more, less or omit if you like.) Cover and cook for 5-10 minutes or until soft.